Moving on...

Have you missed me? It's been quit the blogging break for me, one that I didn't intend....

Three weeks ago we were looking forward to announcing our pregnancy to our family and friends (and my blogging friends!) I was going to post the picture of the ultrasound on my blog to announce our news. I had been sick and tired, I was just past the 10 week mark. I was starting to show a bit, my pants were getting a bit tight, after #4, your body just knows what to do I suppose and I was already needing to shop for maternity clothes. My ultrasound was scheduled on Tuesday just days before we left on our big Utah road trip. Tadd insisted on coming with me to the ultrasound, I tried to convince him that he really didn't need to take the afternoon off work to come with me, that it wasn't the "big" ultrasound where we were going to find the sex of the baby. Nevertheless, he came and I'm so glad he did. I should have known the minute the image of the baby came onto the screen. It was silent and still, too silent. There was no whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, of the heart, just a still baby, with a little black spot where the heart was. I kept hoping a different angle would find the heartbeat. I kept thinking she would move the wand a bit to the left and the heart would spring to life.

 It didn't.

She was silent. Finally I said "I don't see the heartbeat...." Her reply? "There isn't one" I wanted to stretch my hand out and and find Tadd's, but I knew if I did, I would burst into tears. So I held it in. Then she began some nervous chatter about road trips and going west and things that I couldn't have cared less about. I didn't care about her road trip, I didn't care that she went to Utah 20 years ago. I just wanted to hug my husband and cry in peace... she escorted us to the exam room. The Dr came right in. He sat and talked about all sorts of things that I didn't care about. "lots of women have miscarriages" "the baby probably had a genetic disorder" "you don't want to care for a handicapped child, it's better this way" "it was God's will" and all sorts of other things you should never say to a woman that has just found out she's had a miscarriage. I wanted to shout at him and tell him to shut his face. I wanted to cry in private and talk it through with my husband. I sat on the exam table crying, he handed me a tissue.  "Have you had anything to eat today? We can do the D& C right now, I can meet you at the hospital in a hour" I had eaten... We scheduled it for the next morning, I was to be at the hospital at 6am.

We drove home, I cried, Tadd cried. I called my family, I emailed my friends. I prayed for comfort.

The next day started early. My dear friend called me from her vacation in France. She mixed up the time difference and called at 3am. We couldn't go back to sleep cried until it was time to go to the hospital. The D&C was almost too painless, I felt empty. Within a few days I would get milk, milk for a baby that was gone.... it was a cruel trick of nature. I have milk and no baby... I was reminded of that when the pharmacy called, my prenatal vitamins are in... yet I'm not pregnant. I get my email from Pampers "Congratulations, you are in week 12 of your pregnancy... No, actually I'm not. Thanks for the reminder.  Every single woman I saw at walmart the next day was pregnant, every single one.... not me though. Even at my Dr's appointment... I fill out a questionnaire for depression. The form starts out "you are filling out this questionnaire because you have recently had a baby" NO, actually I didn't, thanks for the sucker punch to the gut.

So that's a recap of what I've been up to for the past month. When people ask how we're doing we say "We're OK" and that's the truth, we're OK, and it gets a little easier every day...

But I still feel empty.